How Are You Hand Shy?

Cedar, my neighbor's dog was visiting again around supper time today. I've been working with him (and my dogs as well) on discipline, reinforcing my role as Alpha with the pack. I get to go down the stairs first when it's meal time. I turn at the doorway and make the wild monkeys calm down and sit before they get to go outside. Somehow I made some kind of gesture with my hand this evening and Cedar flinched. He did this because he is hand shy.

A dog becomes hand shy when he is smacked by a human hand. It is a lesson they learn very quickly - that human hands cannot be trusted - they will unexpectedly swat you in the head or rump or back. Lola is hand shy - she was when I got her at 6 months of age. I have never used my hands to show her my displeasure - I try to reinforce with her that hands are for love.

I was not always this good about it. I've had Frankie for 12 years now and Frankie is still hand shy from many, many years ago. Whenever he flinches, my heart twitches just a bit from guilt. All the love and security in the world cannot erase that hand shyness.

In what ways are we hand shy? What are the things in your life that cause you to flinch reflexively? Cedar's owner, Chris, my neighbor is a basically good guy. However, he's always scheming to make that quick buck and I'm not sure how straight up he is as a business man. He's been screwed by the king of bad karma in this county, someone with whom he regularly used to do business. For Chris, there's a lot of dog eat dog out there.

Earlier in the year, after I got my well problem figured out, I decided I did need to purchase a new front loading washer. The guys from the appliance store said they could either cart away my old washer or load it onto someone else's truck. I immediately thought of Chris.

I called him up and asked, "Chris, what do you know about fixing washing machines?" He paused and then responded with a cautious/suspicious(?) tone in his voice, "A little, why?" The why was just a hair drawn out as it said it--why-y-y? And so I told him, I'd have the guys load it up onto his truck if he wanted it, just be there on the delivery day. His suspicion melted away rather quickly.

In a similar vein, there was this wooden boat just lying next to my greenhouse from when I bought the place. Chris was eyeing it and started to talk about how he could fix it up. I told him, "You want it, Chris? It's yours. Just come and get it." He took it away and it sat on some saw horses in his yard for a long time.

A few weeks ago he mentioned that he had found someone to buy it and then, catching himself, he made some indication that he'd cut me in on some of the take. I told him that whatever he was able to get for the boat was his free and clear. Chris just can't let go of his hand shyness, no matter how many times I show him that I'm not a money person-- I'm a neighbor.

I have my own versions of hand shyness. I often hunker down emotionally expecting to get screamed at. I used to work for this Israeli doctor in Chicago many years ago. I was his secretary. One day (and I wish I could type this with his accent) he called me into his office. When I came in, he looked at me and said, "How come every time I call you into here to tell you something you look like you think I'm going to yell at you?" It was what Oprah would call a "light bulb moment" for me.

I'm in the very early stages of forming what I believe will be a wonderful and enriching friendship with this younger man. We met on Easter Sunday and I've felt this growing affection for him ever since. The go-between friend has now moved away and he and I finally got together just the two of us to eat, drink and play cards. It was a wonderful evening.

In the days that followed, however, I caught myself "flinching." Just like my dogs, no matter how many times I tell them quietly, gently, that "hands are for loving," they still seem to expect that smack out of the blue. Trust is hard. Peace.