Last weekend I was at a family gathering out of state. I was able to visit with aunts and uncles and cousins and siblings and nieces and nephew and parents all together for the first time in a long, long time. One of my aunt's asked me when I would start blogging again, so this is for her. Thanks, Aunt Dawn, for the motivation.
I have been going through another time of significant transition. For me this usually involves poorly controlled anxiety/depression, other health related issues, my job, my home, my life, animals, aloneness vs. lonliness, and this year the election. Essentially I feel once again like my life is unraveling or to use another hackneyed metaphor - my life has always been a long and winding road and I've been willing to take off bravely down uncharted paths only now to find that I am at the end of a dirt road in the middle of no where, dead end.
Since I posted last, I have successfully weaned off of prednisone and my spondylitis is controlled primarily with methotrexate, but also with regular use of pain meds in the evenings. At my last appointment my doctor voiced concerns about my regular use of such meds because of the addiction potential. I challenged her on it and she said, "Yeah, but I wish you didn't need to take them." My smart alec response was, "As long as we are wishing, how 'bout we wish I didn't have the disease at all?"
Then I laid it out for her. What are my options? Restart prednisone? That will throw my diabetes back out of whack, require additional meds, perhaps even insulin, resulting in continued weight gain, etc. OK, how about the next level of medications, Embrel (?) for example. Unfortunately, I am Hepatitis B positive - most likely exposed via sexual activity when I was younger. I have never had full blown hepatitis, but the virus is there waiting. This other generation of meds comes with the handy side effect of triggering relapses of hepatitis. If I were to try those meds for better control, I would have to also take prophylactic treatment for hepatitis along side.
Neither of these options are worth the concern over my becoming a junkie. I told her that we haven't had any problems with creep and until I'm taking Vicodin for breakfast, I think we should proceed as we are doing. My "pain" is not significant - it is about a 2-3/10 burning sensation that starts up in various joints later in the day. I'll take my chances.
Do you ever get the Seven-Year-Itch? It is more than just a Marilyn Monroe movie, don't you know. It is the belief that happiness undergoes a crisis in seven year cycles, primarily that a marriage has issues in the seventh year. Well, I was approaching my seventh year in the house in town when I moved out here and I just had my seventh anniversary in this house, so you put two and two together and see what you think.
I don't know if I have any legitimate cause to gripe and whine about my life. Many of my contacts are dealing with significant life challenges...divorce, health issues in themselves or their spouses, financial struggles, etc. As I vent here on the blog, it is not that I believe my issues take priority, but rather that I show folks it is safe to share their struggles with friends and family. Perhaps some will find comfort in seeing that they are not alone. Perhaps I hope too much.
This last trip down South was the first time in fourteen years where I could have just stayed. The last two or three years have been very isolating. Watching my health deteriorate and having no one close by to rely on. I had a simply marvelous time on the family cruise in August with the nieces and nephew. I want so much to be a solid part of their lives and fear that given the distance between us all, that will continue to be difficult. A very good friend would like very much to share a two flat - which could solve some of the animal issues I would face in a relocation. I just don't know.
On the other hand, I do love my house. It is very affordable on my current budget. I only work four days a week at something that I am physically able to do. I enjoy my co-workers even if they try my patience occasionally (no doubt, I do the same to them). The dogs are free range animals here.
I don't have to make any immediate decisions. Of course, the ambiguity pushes my buttons. It was incredible fun to be in SideTrack again in Boystown. I was amazed that after fourteen years most of the guys in the bar were adorable! It seems my "eye" has changed with age and I am more forgiving of physical flaws. Could I actually find a relationship if I returned to the city? I am properly medicated now so much of my anxiety issues are under control. Would that possibility be worth giving up my current life? You may now see the meaning of my title image...emotional vertigo...
Well, this is a start at blogging again. I won't promise anything and it was incredibly self centered and facile. Forgive me...I'm out of practice. Peace.
