What Mafia Wars Has Taught Me...

Jack AKA Doorman Priest likes to rib me about playing these Facebook games. He often feels the need to remind me to get a life. I in turn remind him that unlike most other American households, I do not have television. So rather than spending countless hours watching so called "reality" shows, I spend some time every day playing Mafia Wars, FarmVille, and a couple other Facebook games.

What I've realized though is that playing these games has had an impact in my life. At first glance they are simply silly busy-work kind of activities - really just a short level up from playing solitaire. They do have the added feature of interactivity through gifting and assisting on "jobs" etc. However, in reality they really are variations on moving a pile of rocks across the prison yard and then being instructed to move it back.

That said, I have found what I think is an unintended benefit of these games.

We live in a culture of instant gratification - feel uncomfortable, take a pill; feel hungry, drive through garbage; feeling horny, cyber porn. When my mom gets frustrated with the speed of her computer, I remind her of an old Joan Rivers joke..."Elizabeth Taylor is so fat she stands in front of the microwave and yells 'Faster! Faster!'" Instant gratification...you want something, buy it on credit. Out of credit? Here's more credit. We are not encouraged to wait for anything anymore.

Concepts such as "lay away" would be unheard of nowadays for most people.

So what has this to do with Mafia Wars et al.? These games have taught me patience. They have reintroduced the concept of achievement by baby steps. They have showed me the pleasure of working for something over time and then relishing the payoff.

The irony here is that the makers of these games hope to hook you and tap into that instant gratification need and spend real currency to purchase pretend game currency. They probably have a name for players like me - something akin to "deadbeat." By the way, the banks to big to fail now consider credit card holders who always pay of their balances and always on time "deadbeats." That's how broken our capitalist/consumerist economy really is.

Their strategy has not worked on players like me. I think the idea of spending money for pretend money so I can have pretend "good" and extra game points now is patently ridiculous--call it a bridge too far. As a result, the unintended benefit is a rather important life lesson in patience and hard work as I chip away on the various tasks the different games offer their players.

Are they otherwise silly and mindless games? Absolutely. There is much in this life that is frivolous. This frivolity (for me) comes at no real cost. Peace.

What Exactly Are We Memorializing?

Last night I was watching a movie. At the climax the villain is about to get shot by one of the heroes when he reaches behind him and grabs the hero's kid to use as a shield. Keep that image in mind.

I struggle with this holiday - Memorial Day - and Facebook only makes it more difficult for me. Lot's of slogans are bandied about - "Defending Our Freedom" probably tops the list. There are also a lot of images of American flags posted everywhere. The history of how the day got to be a holiday is a bit murky.

Before the end of the Civil War, organizations of Southern (Confederate) women were decorating the graves of the honored dead. It was officially proclaimed in 1868 by the head of the Army and celebrated that year by laying flowers on the graves at Arlington National Cemetery. Individual states began to officially sign on and by 1890 all Northern states were recognizing the day - not, however, the Southern States refused to participate, choosing to honor their war dead on a different day.

It wasn't until after the War To End All Wars (WWI) that the holiday was expanded from a Civil War holiday to honor the military dead of all wars. Good thing that, because the wars have kept on coming.

I fear we are drifting towards American Fascism as our Empire begins to crumble. The National World War II monument was dedicated in 2004. Commentators at the time pointed out the irony of the design---more than anything, we fought that war to stop the spread of fascism and we ended up designing a monument that Hitler himself would have appreciated.


Mind you I am not criticizing the spirit behind this monument only the style which is very much "Grand Empire" style. This is what I fear - that these monuments are shifting away from remembrance to celebrating empire--that they are being coopted, being taken hostage, if you will. I fear that the Memorial Day holiday has also been taken hostage, like the child in the movie. "We celebrate those who have died defending our freedom." Oh, really? I have yet to hear an adequate explanation of how the current wars are protecting our freedom.

The only thing that has jeopardized our freedom since 9/11 has been the "Patriot Act."

How too has the invasion of Panama, the invasion of Grenada, Vietnam, Korea - how have any of those actions defended our freedom? Think about it. I am not discussing whether or not they were justified actions - I am simply questioning that buzz phrase as a justification for war.

"Support the Troops" is another such buzz phrase - used often to shut down criticism of the war. "We can't be critical because we have to support the troops." Our soldiers, sailors, and marines are being held up as hostages to justify wars of empire and commerce. Memorial Day is dangerously close to being just another propaganda tool, and that truly is a dishonor to the men and women who died while serving in the military.

In closing I would like to return to the photo I posted at the beginning of this entry. This is the famous Buna Beach photo. It is the first photo that was allowed to be published that showed our war dead. We have been conditioned by so many subsequent images of our war dead that we no longer understand the power of that first image.

Look closely at the body in the foreground. Those white specks are maggots. This dead G.I., probably from some small town in America, died on a Pacific beach half way around the world from his home. This is the true cost of war and we remember that on Memorial Day. The rest of the year we have an obligation then to ensure that men and women who give up their lives do so in the name of a just cause.

The justice MUST come first--before the blood is spilled. Otherwise the blood is spilled sacrificially to coat an unjust war with false honor. "We will keep fighting so that they will not have died in vain." As before, the fallen dead become hostages.

Today I remember and mourn the many young men and women who have died while serving in the military--the ongoing tragedy of sacrifice not to freedom but to empire. End the wars now and bring our kids home! Peace.

The Only Thing We Have To Fear...

In 1938, Orson Welles' Mercury Theater On The Air broadcast their infamous War of The Worlds Halloween episode that left many, many people scrambling for safety, believing that we were under attack. At the time Hitler was expanding Germany, the fear of war was hovering in the backs of many minds. In it's presentation as live news reporting it was in essence a form of a con job.

Cons work by preying on human emotion and frailty. I see four main categories: those that play on greed, those that play on empathy, those that play on desperation, and those that play on fear. Any number of those e-mails we receive from over seas promising rich rewards if we help them - oh, yeah, and all we have to do is make a small monetary transfer...those fall under the greed category. Empathy? Apparently homeless man with a sign that he hasn't eaten if a few days...I once told a guy that approached me at an ATM that I would be happy to go around the corner and buy him a sandwich...suddenly he wasn't as hungry as he thought he had been. On a grander scale, numerous scams popped up following the earthquake in Haiti, for example.

The cons that prey on desperation anger me the most. In my opinion "Quick Cash" store front loan operations are a legal con that preys on desperation. Others, especially in this period of high unemployment, promise new careers or job opportunities. What is really occurring though is a manipulative attempt at getting folks to part with their dwindling remaining dollars. They are conned into buying the book or audio course or kit that will get them back onto the road to financial security.

Lastly and my topic for today are the cons that play on fear.

I have often touted Michael Moore's Bowling For Columbine as a must see film. When I first watched it I expected a diatribe against guns. I was intrigued to find that his real point is to hammer at our culture of fear. We are constantly kept in a state of fear - it sells products, it rallies political support, it keeps us in our place.

Recently on Facebook a number of my "friends" began passing on a link to a website ReclaimPrivacy.org which claims to scan your Facebook privacy settings for your benefit. I put up a post asking if anyone had validated the claims made to ensure that this was legit. This in turn triggered more fear in those who had followed the instructions blindly without question, as well as a snarky response from one of the individuals pushing the site, "If you're too paranoid to use a tool that checks Facebook, you should be too paranoid to use Facebook in the first place."

Both responses missed my point. I simply was asking if anyone had verified the claims made. Cons work by making all kinds of promises. Cyber cons in particular play on computer fears about privacy or viruses or identity theft. Many worms are downloaded by gullible folks who are responding to ads for FREE (just a bit of the greed factor) software that will scan your system for spyware...oops there goes your hard drive.

On the one hand, most of the "personal" information is freely available...has been freely available for years. There's this thing called a "Phone Book," for example. Furthermore, nearly every action we take that involves electronics is being tracked by someone. Your cell phone calls, your credit card purchases, your library selections, your web surfing, your e-mail (if you use a work account)...all of it.

At some point you need to stop and question whether you are really that interesting that someone would want to know what your likes and interests are and then decide how having that personal knowledge would be used against you.

On the other hand, if you are frequently giving out your social security number and/or credit card number, if you use overly simplistic passwords like 1234 or your name, if you download everything your friends send to you in e-mail, if you don't maintain good and current security software on your computer...maybe you SHOULD be a little bit afraid...but the problem isn't Facebook.

I make the following suggestions to achieve a sense of balance in protecting yourself and/or worrying about your privacy.

1. Eyeball your store receipts when you make a credit card/debit card purchase. Does the slip still include your entire account number? Consider paying cash at any stores that still generate copies of credit receipts that have your full number on them.

2. Stop using multiple credit cards. Combine your accounts to a single card and review your statements.

3. Only purchase on line from reputable stores. If you followed some link to Joe's Cheap Merchandise...remember you get what you pay for.

4. Stop downloading all the cute photos, power point slide shows, video, etc. that are spread by friends via e-mail. The key word here is "downloading." My own rule is if I can't enjoy the e-mail up on the web, it's not worth dragging the unknown file down into my system (even with following rule 5 below).

5. Maintain a good, reliable security software system on your computer. Ensure that it is updated frequently. Once again, you get what you pay for...if you rely on cheap or free downloads, well...good luck and God bless.

6. Avoid giving out your phone number whenever possible. If a website demands your e-mail and your phone, use a fake phone number.

7. Have a set aside e-mail account that you can plug in to the box when a website demands an e-mail address. I only use my main e-mail address from sites that I know for certain I want to receive info from and that have some reassurance that they won't pass it along to spammers.

8. Fight the urge to believe that everything you see or read on the Internet is true because it's on the Internet. This will help you develop a healthy skepticism and proper sense of caution.

I welcome any other ideas or suggestions that folks may offer up in the comments. There is much about Facebook that irritates the hell out of me. However, it remains an amazing tool for connection, enjoyment, and the sharing of information. One simply has to learn how to Play Safe. Peace.

Are We What We Do Or Is It The Other Way Round

The other day a new housekeeper came into our office to clean. She was clearly new to the job and we pointed out what needed to be addressed. As we chatted, she was only too eager to share her story. She bitterly recounted how in the final days of her medical leave she was informed that her job had been eliminated. She had to scramble to find something else, and in desperation took a night shift housekeeping position then switched to the day shift position when it became available. She clearly took the entire affair personally.

Not too many days later, the area where she had previously worked was given the Pulse Award for achievement in making important and vital changes to their area. The hospital where I work was hemorrhaging red ink only a few years ago and the current administration that came in has reversed many decades of weak management and turned things around--not without a price. In this context, it was clear that the housekeeper's eliminated position was part of the restructuring. Although the timing was unfortunate, it was not personal. She described what her responsibilites had been and it clearly was a redundant position.

When I started in home health nine years ago, they had two administrators, a branch manger, three supervisor/managers, and another half dozen support staff positions. They now make due with less than half those numbers. My position was one that was eliminated. I didn't wait for them to push me out; I saw the writing on the wall and moved on.

One can look at any number of arenas and see similar down-sizing occurring. I'm sorry, but I can't bring myself to use the management buzzword "right-sizing." One only need look to our unemployment figures in these dire economic times to understand the vast scope of the problem. Most everyone knows of a friend or family member who has lost their position.

The husband of a good friend lost his management job a few years back within a year or two of qualifying for his pension. He was devastated. However, he chose not to see the writing on the wall - denial can be very powerful. In the year or so of unemployment that followed, he became increasingly morose. I wasn't certain if their marriage would survive.

A key element of the problem lay in his definition of self. He had worked in retail management for close to 30 years. That was his career. Without even considering the lost income and the lost pension and benefits, his sense of self was shattered. My father and my uncle went through similar situations in their fifties as well.

Once he began to climb out of his emotional hole, he struggled to redefine himself and find another career. I gently questioned his need for a career at this stage of his life. His son was grown and out of the house. He was about a decade from retirement. Why not simply find something to bring money in and stop worrying about career? In the end, he did just that. He took a retail job where he could apply his years of experience, and, at the same time, not have to worry about all the responsibility that comes with a management, "career-type" position.

My paternal grandmother struggled in a similar fashion. She only worked outside the home briefly when she was young. Her entire sense of self hung on her role as mother and housewife. Over time, she was able to modify that role to grandmother. However, once the grandchildren were adults, or the last couple nearly so, she began to lose her sense of self. To make matters worse, she also began to lose her vision, making many of her hobbies and interests exceedingly difficult. She could no longer garden. She could no longer read. She could no longer watch baseball. She began to simply disappear and gradually a form of dementia began to take hold.

How do we define ourselves? Is that definition static? Can it change? Some of us are very tied to labels...doctor, lawyer, teacher, priest, nurse. Each of those positions comes with years of training and also develops out of significant personality traits that we bring to the table. I am a nurse. However, in many ways I was a nurse long before I ever was licensed by the state.

My current job actually does not have a hands on direct care component. Does this mean that I am not really a nurse? Much of my patient care is now done via phone communication with our IV patients. About a month or so ago I was sitting at home talking on the phone when one of the neighbor kids burst in saying "We can't get my dad up and my mom said to come and get you..." before she burst into tears. On the way over to their house I had her call for an ambulance and then checked on him to see what was needed until the paramedics arrived. (In the end he was simply very dehydrated and after receiving IV fluids in the Emergency Room, was sent back home that same night).

I am a nurse and will always be a nurse. It is what I bring to whatever I do.

Similarly I am a Deacon. It matters not that I am no longer active in the Episcopal church. When my name was put forward a number of years ago in the midst of St. Paul's formation of a Mutual Ministry Team, I was required to meet with the bishop. I had many concerns that by accepting this title, I would then be taking on yet another stack of responsibilities and I wasn't sure that I could manage more drains on my time and energy. My bishop, the late Jim Kelsey, said something very important to me that day. "When I lay my hands on you at the ordination, I will not be making you a deacon. You are already a deacon--that is why you have been discerned for this role. I will merely be formally acknowledging what is already there."

Change is often very painful. A mother's heart breaks just a wee bit that first time their little one says, "NO! Mommy, I can do it MYSELF!" When the younger guys push the older guy aside and finish the job quicker, the proud man mourns a bit. I myself wax nostalgic whenever I see a naval vessel up close and personal.

The illusion of individuality is so tenuous, so easily shattered, so fragile. When our hearts break, we want the world to see and know our pain...but the world tends to respond, "Oh, I know what you're feeling..." In truth, they are correct. Not one of us has escaped losing key portions of our self definitions. Who among us has not had to grieve the passing of youth? Who among us has not cried over a lost love? We all have had to endure the fading of a dream as we realize it will not come to pass after all.

Yet we endure. I believe we endure because we are not what we do, but rather what we do is a reflection of who we are. Peace.

Acceptance...

On this Mother's Day I find myself thinking about many things. Mother/daughter relationships, mid-life crisis, and that expression there at the left..."It is what it is."

My neighbor, friend, and sauna buddy is preparing to send her daughter off to the Army on Tuesday. I was somewhat surprised to find that they were not planning any kind of special event as a send off.

Nearly 20 years ago when my time for departing to the Navy was approaching, my mom made sure to plan a wonderful family event as a send off. The whole family ventured into Chicago where we had dinner at Italian Village and then we all went to see A Chorus Line--this despite the fact that my mother was very much against my entering the service. In my family this event warranted a ritual gathering--a marking of the event, a recognition of the separation.

My friend's daughter has often joined us for our weekly sauna. In fact, on some occasions, both of her daughters join us, so I have an avuncular relationship with both of the girls. There doesn't appear to be an abnormal amount of the tension that exists as the first born hits 19 and starts to spread her/his wings. They just don't do ritual the way we did.

Mother/daughter relationships - they seem so much more complicated than mother/son relationships or father/child relationships. I imagine it has much to do with the expectations that our culture dumps onto mothers. The last few generations of women have been able to tear down much of the oppression that in previous generations left them as an adjunct to a husband's property, an unmarried drain on their own family's resources, or an indigent spinster.

Yet as each generation expanded the boundaries of what women could do or accomplish, the traditional role of motherhood hovered over it all. Tension was bound to occur between mothers and daughters as all of this was negotiated.

So I organized a simple going away party for her daughter. Friday night we planned to light up the sauna, walk the dogs, sauna, and then have a build-your-own-pizza party. I scrubbed the walk as it was only 35 degrees and snowing/sleeting/raining. My neighbor, who is rather driven and controlling in many ways, went for a run rather than forgo exercise.

Her youngest daughter brought along a friend. During our dog walks and saunas, we have had a number of discussion about this young woman. In short, we believe for a number of reasons that she has an eating disorder. She too has a very driven and controlling mother. I did not miss that she had slipped most of her one piece of pizza into the trash.

I pointed out to my neighbor yesterday when we were discussing all this again that, unlike this other young woman, she has raised two very well adjusted confident girls, despite being a rather driven and controlling woman. We wondered what was different between the two households. My neighbor also pointed out that it was interesting that this girl's mother had major issues with her own mother. I decided not to remind my neighbor of her own issues with her own mother.

Mothers and daughters...my aunt and my late grandmother, my mom and her sister and their 92-year-old mother, my sister and my mom, my cousin and her adoptive mother...many varied relationships there. Also, much cross pollination between generations when one woman sought someone else for maternal love when their own mothers had disappointed them...

Which, I suppose, leads me to the rest of what's on my mind--namely, acceptance.

I believe I am right smack in the middle of the typical mid-life-crisis age. There all all kinds of stereotypical images that come to mind--unnecessary red sports cars, hair pieces, divorce/remarriage to a trophy wife, taking up some ridiculous adventure sport... I've come to believe that what is really occurring is the realization that it's time to stop anticipating our lives, recreating our lives in fantasy, or dreaming our lives, and just live them. It is what it is. For most of us that's a thought that takes some getting used to.

My mom gave me the perfect gift for my 30th birthday (17 years ago). It's a coffee mug that I cherish that says, "I'm 30 - it seems like I should have money by now." The sentiment captured on that mug is the essence of what begins to evaporate in mid life. It is what it is.

I have prided myself on my ability to reinvent my life. I unexpectedly left home at 18 to join the Navy, which ultimately lead to a scholarship and a degree from a prestigious university. I up and left Chicago for Florida, which gave me breathing space and got me out of a bad job situation. I went back to school and got my nursing degree. I packed up my life and moved from the third largest city in the country to the Upper Peninsula. In between, there were other lesser risks in which I was not afraid to take a chance and jump.

I always had the knowledge that I could jump to get me through the bad days. Now, at 47, that concept - "jumping" or turning my life inside out and trying something new - is much less of a practical option. Losing that option, for me, is what my mid life crisis is all about--waking up to the fact that it is what it is, that "I'm 47 and it feels like I should have money by now," but I probably will never have money like the way the mug states it. Acceptance.

There is a peace that comes with learning to say "It is what it is," and stop the wishing, stop the ruminating, stop the looking forward and backward, and simply focus on the now. There is also peace that comes with learning to say "She is what she is" in regards to our mothers or our daughters or our fathers or our siblings or our co-workers and friends. Acceptance.

My mother and I have not been without our issues over the years. She literally cried for four and a half hours the day I told her I was joining the Navy. Yet throughout my childhood she made sure I knew that I was loved and cared for. She tried very hard to be a different kind of mother than her mother had been. She was the kind of mother that kept huge memory boxes of every scrap of artwork or homework that we brought home from school. She plastered the refrigerator with same. She took us to the zoo. She took us to museums. Vacations were about all of us going somewhere as a family. She made sure that each one of us always felt special.

She is who she is. That is my Mother's Day present for her. Acceptance. She is my friend.

Wishing For Snow

On my own, on the inside, all by my self - I know that I am barely keeping it together most days. In the company of others, on the outside, in my circle - I know that I am rather grounded and admired. This tension that I live every day - must be universal.

One of my acquaintances last year said that I was one of the most honest individuals he had ever met - meaning he sensed no dissembling, no manipulation - just me. I try to live simply and honestly, I try to say what I mean and mean what I say. I find it tiring and I often need to retreat from the world.

When I am at my worst, when all the responsibilities, deadlines, bills, expectations, demands are winning...I don't feel I have the energy to deal with anything. Like one of my little fish, I seek out that dark crevice in my aquarium to hide - recharge, regroup.

At my old house in town, the bathroom was perfect for this. It was in the exact center of the house. There were no windows. I'd run the shower and curl up on the floor and just breathe. You can see this as madness or you can see this as meditation...it makes no difference.

When I was younger and still living at my parents' home, I would bring a book and go down in the basement to the laundry room. The rhythm of the washing machine, the warmth, the smells were very comforting.

Perhaps my difficulty with this time of year stems from this deep seated need of mine - the need to retreat, to hibernate, to recharge in private. The sun is now rising earlier and earlier. In addition to all the chores waiting for action IN the house can be added the chores needed for OUTSIDE the house. I continue to struggle with guilt over not having filled the bird feeders; yet I just can't deal with the squirrels this year - or I should say how my dogs are when there are squirrels prowling for food on the porch.

This is a time of year of expansion of possibilities. The days are longer. The outdoors beckons. I find having too many choices overwhelming. (Think Robin Williams in the coffee aisle in Moscow On The Hudson.) When I am stressed I want to shrink my world. Summertime cracks the world open like a pinata.

And so I find myself wishing for snow today. The current combination of stressors is triggering my curl up and hide instinct. Nothing major is happening - I ended up having to work at the hospital yesterday, I've spent most of my tax return on the dogs (Lola is doing fine), the porch screens need to be repaired, the dirty dishes and laundry continue to reproduce at an alarming rate, there's clutter everywhere that needs straightening, my "poly arthralgia" is back, it's tick season, there's a monster oil spill in the gulf, the list goes on and on, but you catch my meaning...

However, if there were ten inches of hard pack snow on the ground...if there was a winter storm warning in effect, if Lake Superior was blowing in big beautiful flakes of snow, if the sun had only arisen a mere two hours ago, if I was in flannel and had a roaring fire in the wood stove...if all of this described my day, I would be better able to unknot the anxiety and comb it out back into something resembling strength and calm and peace.

But there isn't a chance of snow - not even here in the Upper Peninsula - and so I must find a different way to persevere. I'm on my second cup of coffee. I will pick my tasks accordingly. I will not focus on what is undone. I will make time to read. I will take a nap. I will breathe. I will be.

Peace.