Avoidance

I hate treating the Holy Spirit like a Ouija Board, but sometimes I can't help it. All day I've been dancing around, checking the Internet sites over and over, and avoiding posting to my blog. I've felt out of sorts and have posted a number of Facebook status updates to that effect, and have accomplished very little.

At the risk of sounding like a complete lunatic...I spend a great deal of time these days feeling in harmony with Life. You know, it is like when crystals vibrate in harmony with a particular frequency - that kind of feeling. Most fundamentalist folk "put their trust in the Lord." That's kind of what I try to do, but I just hate saying it that way. I trust that was is...is--for a reason. More often then not, I am in harmony, I feel good, and little coincidences seem to occur that have no significant meaning for me except as indicators that I'm on track. For example, the day that I locked in the house as mine - I drove out to see it again - as I pulled back onto the road to head back into town feeling elated, I turned on the car radio and the very next song was Pet Shop Boys "What Have I Done To Deserve This?"

This is not a Little Mary Sunshine feeling - I can feel this way during the most trying of times or I can have an off day like today when everything seems like it should be copacetic. Today feels like no matter how hard I try I am not able to clap to the rhythm. I don't feel in harmony - things just don't seem to be right.

However, I finally sat down ready to confront this feeling - battle the avoidance - even though I wasn't sure what to say until that word came to mind. "Larry, you've been avoiding this for some reason." Yeah, avoidance, I'm sure I have something to say about this right now.

I did a Google image search for "avoidance" and found the picture above with the label "Conflict Avoidance" and--bingo--Holy Spirit Ouija Board. Let me try and explain.

For starters, there's this younger straight guy who I really like - it is what it is - I'm not wishing for the impossible. The last time we spoke was before Thanksgiving, earlier in November I lent him a book. However, over the past few weeks I called him at least four different times and got no response.

I have spent much time and energy in the past romantically chasing after gay men who simply were not interested...so I have baggage in the area of forced pursuit of any kind - friendship, romance, whatever. I was perfectly content to simply walk away from the situation, but I wanted my book back. I had no idea how to proceed and with each day I was getting more irritated by the situation.

I finally involved a third party and she followed up with a phone call. In the interim though his path and mine crossed yesterday afternoon and we had a good conversation and resolved what was occurring. One of the key themes of our discussion was "Conflict Avoidance" (his and mine).

Next there was a pair of comments on a Facebook thread today on a post by another cyber friend of mine - they appeared completely disconnected from the rest of the thread and seemed to be the resolution of a conflict. Between the pair of them they noted how e-mail/cell phone/cyber conversation is often misunderstood without body language and yet how face-to-face conversation tends to avoid getting to the heart of the matter...in other words "Conflict Avoidance."

Also, Elizabeth Kaeton put up a post on her blog - Telling Secrets - in which she responds to the bay having frozen over which leads her to a post on frozen people - people who are locked down. This too seems to fit my theme - "Conflict Avoidance."

Another cyber friend appears to not be "speaking" to me, ironically in that he recently made a broad accusation about people being passive aggressive. This, of course, is not the first example of his pot calling our kettle black. However, passive aggressive behavior = "Conflict Avoidance."

And so my feeling of the Holy Spirit being a Ouija Board - with one image search, the message comes forth and the fog clears a bit.

Why is it so hard for us to deal with perceived conflict? I hate conflict - it triggers all of my neurotic buttons. I have to work hard to plow through the anxiety and come to a resolution. My fear of conflict is so pathological, at times, I think it is at the root of my desire to just disappear when my depression tries to get the best of me. Life seems like an endless string of potential conflicts and I often feel like I'm having to watch my every word.

More than fear of others' anger, I think I am afraid of my own anger, and so I disallow it. I've gotten better though far from being healed. I try to depersonalize the anger - treat it like it is it's own entity.

I don't know if I will be able to adequately explain this. In the past, I have not allowed myself to be angry. Who am I to be angry? You don't deserve to be angry? Stop being such a baby! All you will do is hurt somebody's feelings so buck up and shut up!

So for me it starts with acknowledging the emotion: I am feeling anger. I treat it like it is outside of me - like "I am wet." I don't really own the wetness - it's not my wet. It just is. By acknowledging it - I don't inadvertently spew it onto someone else, even the person who has angered me.

This gives me a bit of time to think: What is complicating the situation here? Am I tired? Am I hungry? Am I tired & hungry? (a VERY dangerous combination for me) Has something else affected me that I haven't dealt with adequately? (for example, realizing I'm still grieving the loss of Cosmo)

After I've worked through that, which honestly now only takes me a matter of seconds when I'm together enough to work it, then I say "Or is this individual being a complete ass and does it really affect me?" If I answer "yes" and "yes" then the really hard part comes next. Making the following statement in a private one on one manner - "When you do A, it makes me feel B."

Honestly, even now, that is the most difficult moment - when Conflict Avoidance sings his siren song the sweetest and loudest, and the temptation to bury my personal need appears as comfortable as flannel sheets on a winter morning, but I try my best to push on through to the other side, and more often than not the result is positive. Peace.