Wishing For Snow

On my own, on the inside, all by my self - I know that I am barely keeping it together most days. In the company of others, on the outside, in my circle - I know that I am rather grounded and admired. This tension that I live every day - must be universal.

One of my acquaintances last year said that I was one of the most honest individuals he had ever met - meaning he sensed no dissembling, no manipulation - just me. I try to live simply and honestly, I try to say what I mean and mean what I say. I find it tiring and I often need to retreat from the world.

When I am at my worst, when all the responsibilities, deadlines, bills, expectations, demands are winning...I don't feel I have the energy to deal with anything. Like one of my little fish, I seek out that dark crevice in my aquarium to hide - recharge, regroup.

At my old house in town, the bathroom was perfect for this. It was in the exact center of the house. There were no windows. I'd run the shower and curl up on the floor and just breathe. You can see this as madness or you can see this as meditation...it makes no difference.

When I was younger and still living at my parents' home, I would bring a book and go down in the basement to the laundry room. The rhythm of the washing machine, the warmth, the smells were very comforting.

Perhaps my difficulty with this time of year stems from this deep seated need of mine - the need to retreat, to hibernate, to recharge in private. The sun is now rising earlier and earlier. In addition to all the chores waiting for action IN the house can be added the chores needed for OUTSIDE the house. I continue to struggle with guilt over not having filled the bird feeders; yet I just can't deal with the squirrels this year - or I should say how my dogs are when there are squirrels prowling for food on the porch.

This is a time of year of expansion of possibilities. The days are longer. The outdoors beckons. I find having too many choices overwhelming. (Think Robin Williams in the coffee aisle in Moscow On The Hudson.) When I am stressed I want to shrink my world. Summertime cracks the world open like a pinata.

And so I find myself wishing for snow today. The current combination of stressors is triggering my curl up and hide instinct. Nothing major is happening - I ended up having to work at the hospital yesterday, I've spent most of my tax return on the dogs (Lola is doing fine), the porch screens need to be repaired, the dirty dishes and laundry continue to reproduce at an alarming rate, there's clutter everywhere that needs straightening, my "poly arthralgia" is back, it's tick season, there's a monster oil spill in the gulf, the list goes on and on, but you catch my meaning...

However, if there were ten inches of hard pack snow on the ground...if there was a winter storm warning in effect, if Lake Superior was blowing in big beautiful flakes of snow, if the sun had only arisen a mere two hours ago, if I was in flannel and had a roaring fire in the wood stove...if all of this described my day, I would be better able to unknot the anxiety and comb it out back into something resembling strength and calm and peace.

But there isn't a chance of snow - not even here in the Upper Peninsula - and so I must find a different way to persevere. I'm on my second cup of coffee. I will pick my tasks accordingly. I will not focus on what is undone. I will make time to read. I will take a nap. I will breathe. I will be.

Peace.