Have you ever read some of the theory behind how Birth Order can affect your personality? If you look at the traits, in some ways I am a classic first born child and in other ways I am a recovering first born child. Tonight I want to focus on the "mover and shaker" tendencies of being a first born.
I recently purged a number of contacts from my Facebook Friend list. The majority were either real live folks from here in Marquette or members of my family. A couple of the individuals were a direct result of my previous post on rabid anti-theists - those individuals who insist on tearing down faith and religion. However, the bulk of those who were de-listed came off the list because we rarely if ever had any direct communication with each other.
For example, a good friend of mine here in town made a very big point about not wanting to receive any of the game stuff on Facebook, that she wasn't interested in that aspect of the network. As it happens, playing the games is a big part of my FB experience and many of the folks I chat with with involve game play. I removed her from the list with the others and she is the only individual who contacted me to ask what happened.
So what has this to do with birth order? I am a hermit. I haven't always been this way. There was one period in my life back in Chicago where I sat down and looked at my weekly schedule and saw about a 2 hour window on Sunday afternoons that was free. I had a very full list of friends with whom I socialized regularly.
I also started to see that if I didn't organize or initiate the social exchange it started to go away.
I am the oldest of four kids. As we were growing up I was the designated baby sitter after a certain age. By junior high, I was often in charge after school until my mom got home. Within the neighborhood where we were growing up, I was one of the older kids. I was conditioned to be the organizer.
So I stopped being the organizer--more and more I became the hermit instead. As time wore on I paid attention to communication patterns with friends. More often than not, if I didn't call - we didn't speak. If I didn't try to arrange a get together - we didn't get together. I began to contemplate the value of friendships that were so out of balance. These were not bad people. However, I began to lose faith in friendships where I did the work.
Now I am very comfortably living the hermit life style. I am not quite a complete misanthrope - yet. My circle of friends - people I know I can count on in a crisis - is very small. I have many, many friend/acquaintances though - people with which I could carry on a lively conversation if we bumped into each other at the grocery store, for example. As a rule, however, people don't call.
Ironically, I get more phone calls from my cyber sistah/friend Maria who I have never met face to face, then I get from any of my local friends. Maria has randomly called me every other week or so since we exchanged phone numbers - to give this some perspective. I have randomly called her as well. There is a mutuality to the exchange.
I have two other long term friends - both of the formerly close geographically but now far away type - Carolyn and Lisa will periodically call me out of the blue to see how I am and to chit chat. Similarly I will do the same. They are also the only ones who have come to visit and with whom I have visited as well.
Perhaps the biggest challenge for me has been within my own family. For a long time, I carried the water. I tried to make the regular phone calls. I tried to remember the birthdays and anniversaries. However, the more I appreciated the silence of my hermitage, the more I scaled back on my friendships, the more I began to test my familial relationships as well.
As a rule, my siblings don't call. To be completely fair, my youngest brother called me last summer when he learned about my diabetes to see how I was doing. My sister sent me an e-card when she learned I had put Cosmo down in November. My sister-in-law religiously sends out thank you cards and makes sure she invites me to the kids' parties even though odds are I am not going to be able to make it in. Overall though, this is pretty slim pickings.
Facebook has been a wonderful tool. I have a very active cyber community with whom I am friends. Given the distance, they fall somewhere between friends and acquaintances as I could not rely on them to be able to pitch in here in the U.P. in an emergency. I have no doubt that they would in a heart beat if they were able.
I have decided though that Facebook is not going to enable poor communication between me and the individuals that should matter in my life or rather individuals for which I should matter more. Facebook must either supplement a strong real life friendship/relationship or create a cyber foundation for a future real life friendship/relationship. I will not allow it to be a half-assed substitute for the real thing.
As a first born, getting to this point has been challenging. I have been raised to believe that carrying on relationships is on my shoulders. I have worked very hard at untwining the guilt from backing away from out of balance relationships. I have to remind myself that it is not my fault that we are not closer. That, my friends, is what I mean when I say I'm singing the birth order blues...
I recently purged a number of contacts from my Facebook Friend list. The majority were either real live folks from here in Marquette or members of my family. A couple of the individuals were a direct result of my previous post on rabid anti-theists - those individuals who insist on tearing down faith and religion. However, the bulk of those who were de-listed came off the list because we rarely if ever had any direct communication with each other.
For example, a good friend of mine here in town made a very big point about not wanting to receive any of the game stuff on Facebook, that she wasn't interested in that aspect of the network. As it happens, playing the games is a big part of my FB experience and many of the folks I chat with with involve game play. I removed her from the list with the others and she is the only individual who contacted me to ask what happened.
So what has this to do with birth order? I am a hermit. I haven't always been this way. There was one period in my life back in Chicago where I sat down and looked at my weekly schedule and saw about a 2 hour window on Sunday afternoons that was free. I had a very full list of friends with whom I socialized regularly.
I also started to see that if I didn't organize or initiate the social exchange it started to go away.
I am the oldest of four kids. As we were growing up I was the designated baby sitter after a certain age. By junior high, I was often in charge after school until my mom got home. Within the neighborhood where we were growing up, I was one of the older kids. I was conditioned to be the organizer.
So I stopped being the organizer--more and more I became the hermit instead. As time wore on I paid attention to communication patterns with friends. More often than not, if I didn't call - we didn't speak. If I didn't try to arrange a get together - we didn't get together. I began to contemplate the value of friendships that were so out of balance. These were not bad people. However, I began to lose faith in friendships where I did the work.
Now I am very comfortably living the hermit life style. I am not quite a complete misanthrope - yet. My circle of friends - people I know I can count on in a crisis - is very small. I have many, many friend/acquaintances though - people with which I could carry on a lively conversation if we bumped into each other at the grocery store, for example. As a rule, however, people don't call.
Ironically, I get more phone calls from my cyber sistah/friend Maria who I have never met face to face, then I get from any of my local friends. Maria has randomly called me every other week or so since we exchanged phone numbers - to give this some perspective. I have randomly called her as well. There is a mutuality to the exchange.
I have two other long term friends - both of the formerly close geographically but now far away type - Carolyn and Lisa will periodically call me out of the blue to see how I am and to chit chat. Similarly I will do the same. They are also the only ones who have come to visit and with whom I have visited as well.
Perhaps the biggest challenge for me has been within my own family. For a long time, I carried the water. I tried to make the regular phone calls. I tried to remember the birthdays and anniversaries. However, the more I appreciated the silence of my hermitage, the more I scaled back on my friendships, the more I began to test my familial relationships as well.
As a rule, my siblings don't call. To be completely fair, my youngest brother called me last summer when he learned about my diabetes to see how I was doing. My sister sent me an e-card when she learned I had put Cosmo down in November. My sister-in-law religiously sends out thank you cards and makes sure she invites me to the kids' parties even though odds are I am not going to be able to make it in. Overall though, this is pretty slim pickings.
Facebook has been a wonderful tool. I have a very active cyber community with whom I am friends. Given the distance, they fall somewhere between friends and acquaintances as I could not rely on them to be able to pitch in here in the U.P. in an emergency. I have no doubt that they would in a heart beat if they were able.
I have decided though that Facebook is not going to enable poor communication between me and the individuals that should matter in my life or rather individuals for which I should matter more. Facebook must either supplement a strong real life friendship/relationship or create a cyber foundation for a future real life friendship/relationship. I will not allow it to be a half-assed substitute for the real thing.
As a first born, getting to this point has been challenging. I have been raised to believe that carrying on relationships is on my shoulders. I have worked very hard at untwining the guilt from backing away from out of balance relationships. I have to remind myself that it is not my fault that we are not closer. That, my friends, is what I mean when I say I'm singing the birth order blues...
6 comments:
Well, and I am an only child, both oldest and youngest rolled into one, and very much a hybrid extrovert/introvert. If I am in a social situation, I am very gregarious and friendly; but the minute I am alone, I revert to being just as happy working solo. I'm like an oldest in that I am the organizer and mover; like the youngest in that, when I'm cranky, I am temporarily a bit needy.
My "hermit-ness" comes from learning to be happy and satisfied playing alone--and, as you well know, in the absence of "real" siblings, I engage in mutual adoption! What is interesting is most of my cyber-sibs have one common "family trait"--they must play alone well themselves.
So let's just say, "I get what you're saying, bro!"
After my divorce, I learned quickly just what you are saying. People who I viewed as friends evaporated because I was no longer being the mover and shaker. I didn't cook for them, or arrange holiday meals anymore - and they just went. For a while this hurt, but then I realized it was a good life lesson.
Conversely, my siblings with whom I rarely talked have become very close to me, as well as a few other people who surprised me by popping up and knitting their bonds to me even tighter. One pleasant surprise was one of my ex's old girlfriends who contacted me via facebook and we have a great friendship now.
I am a middle child - but really the older child as there is an eight year gap between my older brother and I. I love this new feeling of family and secure real friendships.
Larry, I get what you're saying, and I value our cyber friendship - which has blossomed, ironically, after I left Marquette. Ties that bind are different now - computers help us maintain contact - learn new things about each other. Being a hermit has its highpoints, but it's nice to have real people to email and talk to - you have the best of both worlds.
I agree and disagree. I'm an oldest who had tremendous responsibility placed on her shoulders by my Mom. Much more than I ever placed on you. I too am the organizer. Maggie and Dawn never initiate, but It's more important to me that we see each other from time to time. I go through periods where I refuse to call friends because they don't call first. Then I realize I want to know how they are so I eventually call. I guess I'm old school in thinking my kids should call me, but I'm ok with Pop being the contact person except when he forgets to tell me a call was made. L8N rarely calls, Lou and Laura more often.
Probably the one thing I feel sad about is that I don't hear from Angie and Bee. I keep reminding myself that they don't need me the way I needed Gram. Angie calls sometimes, Bee never. I haven't had a dinner invite from Bee in years. If I didn't initiate I'd never share a meal with them.
Since I'm Mom I'll say what I feel about defriending your brothers. I was very surprised and felt bad. I don't know if Lou even noticed, but I do know L8N's reaction. I would have made an exception for family.
So that;s that. Time for bed. We hope to leace early.
I'm an only child who married the first born of four kids. We're both introverts so there's not much talking going on around here. I've always wanted to be a hermit, but don't have the resources, plus I have ties to MY four children and their dad--and three dogs and a cat.
But what about only children?
Jack, the link towards the top of the post spells out the info for each of the categories, which includes only kids as well.
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