Late Winter Sunday Afternoon

This is a Hopper painting from the 1920's. I believe it's called "Automat." It reflects my mood today. The only thing separating me from the blackness is a cup of coffee. (Cue the dramatic music) I was most definitely fighting the demons this morning until I self-medicated with some caffeine. There's no denying it though. A moderate amount of caffeine keeps me on an even keel. Of course, too much triggers a bit of mania - I don't just mean that I'm wired. I start to make grandiose plans, I'm motivated to do all kinds of organizing. However, without it the mood swings decidely to the darkness. I've often wondered if it's possible to be a "little" bi-polar.

So what is this? I know I hit my "I'm done" moment with this winter when the temperature dropped to zero after the blizzard on Thursday. I almost made it to March which isn't a bad stretch. I'm usually the first to start wishing for the season to change - usually late July - and the last to start wishing for Spring. Is it my sky-rocketing propane bill? The water pump that won't shut off (big spike in my January electric). I know a large chunk of it is my decision to leave the Episcopal church and not yet knowing which way to go - ELCA or Roman Catholic. I also am trying to eat better as a Lenten practice. I hope to use the 40 day "Fast" as a way to lay the foundation for improved eating before I get so big I have to special order my clothes.

Yet I have the pleasure of dog sitting for my neighbors' Airedale, Chance, this week. Always back to the dogs, I know. They keep me alive and well. Also, I continue to have to rescue the birds that accidentally end up trapped in the porch. With the dogs coming and going all the time, they fly in through the open door, that's where the winter location of the feeders is. It's a very special feeling to have a small bird gently grasped in your hands for a brief moment before you release him/her back to freedom.

So today I thought I'd sit down and write - not try to be profound - not worry about whether or not people are reading this stuff. Basically follow my own advise. My Pop has been driving school bus for the past few years and shared some feelings about his experiences with me on the phone this morning. I told him he should start blogging as a way of dealing with his feelings. That got me pondering on the reasons why I blog and has lead to this ramble.

Why do we blog? I know I get a charge from watching my visit meter climb. I know I want people to think I'm smart, deep, wise, etc. etc. I know I want to be heard. Al Pacino has a monologue in Frankie and Johnny in which he tries to explain to Frankie why she and he must connect. He says that we all go around in this world trapped in these bubbles bouncing off of each other and never really connecting. I think I blog because I want to connect.