Dirty Windows

I have lived in this log home (see pic above) for nigh on seven years.  I lived in my house in town for almost seven years.  Cleaning the windows was never a big priority.  However, in town the house was a small ranch and I did clean them on occasion myself.  This house is a bit of a tree house placing the windows up a whole story above the house in town.  Further, this being the woods, this house is darker surrounded as it is by big tall trees.

About a year ago, I finally decided to hire in some help and get the place thoroughly cleaned. Two years of mysterious pain and disability had worn me down.  The house was filthy and I simply didn't have the strength and ability to clean it properly.  As part of the "super clean" that I requested of the agency I hired, I requested that the windows and screens get cleaned.

The day of the big clean arrived and Cindy brought along a window cleaning man as a sub contractor.  I was simply astounded by the results.  More than one friend of mine, upon seeing the change, commented that it was about time I had gotten around to getting the windows cleaned.

This is how I also experience my depression.  Mine is not the unwashed, lying in a dark room, not eating, not sleeping variety.  It is much more the frog in the tepid water, heated and slowly boiling to death.

Despite an awareness that March/April is the worst time of year for me - apparently I can't even do seasonal depression right - I still couldn't recognize how dirty my emotional windows had become.

I met with my doctor and we talked about the season and decided that if after roughly a month with the onset of spring and warm weather I still had not improved, I should increase my medication (Lexapro).  I took a much needed vacation and went to visit with friends.  However, once back home and at work I knew things were not improving.

I feel very fortunate that I have such a wonderful response to my drug.  Many people don't seem to have the results that I experience.  Within a very short time, I was looking through sparkling clean windows again and wondering why I had waited so long.

In my defense, I will say that chronic pain and fatigue from my auto immune condition in combination with the ongoing attempt to wean off the prednisone, and the constant though improved fluctuation of my blood sugars with the diabetes...it was very difficult to assess what was going on - all I knew for certain was I had no energy, I was requiring longer than usual amount of sleep each night, and my mood sucked.

I can't help wondering about the dirty windows though.  Why didn't those friends ever mention the appalling state of my windows and encourage me to get them cleaned?  Was it out of politeness?  Were they afraid I would get angry?  Were they afraid I might ask them for help?  How do you react when you see a friend of yours with dirty windows?  What do you do?  It's not an easy question.

Peace.