For those of you who have checked in over the past few weeks, you will have no doubt wondered why there has been nothing forthcoming. To put it simply, I've been in a funk. In fact, I continue to be in a funk. Of course, as someone who has been on an anti-depressant medication for a number of years now, my funks are a tad more serious than just feeling blue.I had my six month check in with my doctor. We did not feel the need to adjust my medication and he is content with seeing me again in six months. Our understanding is that I will contact him if things get particularly bleak.
The following is a bit of a post that I put up at a private blog: "I wish I knew why, but I have been slowly sinking into something much worse than a black pit of despair - it is more like a black hole of nothingness - where layer upon layer of my life loses its value and meaning for me. The result being the strongest desire yet to just simply vanish - evaporate - fade into the ether. I lay in bed with the dogs yesterday for hours. The dogs are the last layer."
I've never been one to have grand ambitions. In school, my abilities carried me along with little or no work needed. I bounced from one thing to the next continually landing on my feet. I joined the Navy to get myself out in the world. I applied for a scholarship while in the Navy and got out of my enlistment. Junior year my sexuality got me out of my Naval commitment. I moved to Florida to get myself out of a dead end job. I entered nursing school to get out of poor employment. I got out of Chicago to get out of my broken heart. I got out of Marquette and into the woods to get out of town...
My whole adult life has been a series of shrewd choices to escape something else. I was always moving away from something rather than moving towards something. Granted there were accidental benefits. Via the Navy and my scholarship, I was able to attend Northwestern University. Nursing is a rather solid if deteriorating career. (there's a reason that so many nurses continue to leave the field and it is tied closely to the unraveling of health care) I live in a beautiful log home in the woods.
Along the way I was able to count on the support of my parents, who put me up twice in the midst of all that chaos.
However, now at mid life I feel as though I've made this long journey to a destination that is empty and void. It's a bit like the ending of The Graduate...or for that matter like the apparently "happy ending" of most movies. The action has ended and now what?
Perhaps this is a continuation of my own personal "mid life crisis" to the strains of Miss Peggy Lee singing "Is That All There Is?" (of course, without the boozing and dancing)
My youngest brother who is attempting to craft the perfect life would scornfully snort and tell me to "stop being a drama queen and get over it." If it were only that simple, eh? I can look back at the root cause of so much of my brokenness and play what if? games with myself. However, those games are dangerous and they lead to a denial of key aspects of who I am.
What is one to do then? Climb in bed with the dogs and sleep.
The dogs really are what have kept me going over the past few years. Folks that feared I was becoming an animal hoarder...little did they realize. They provide me with a family to care for that does not have all the complications and needs that a human family would require - complications and needs that I don't think I would be able to manage emotionally. They provide unconditional canine love and respect. The canine qualifier is very important.
They are not little four legged human substitutes; rather I am a big two legged Alpha substitute. By keeping the canine in our relationship, I am reminded to live as the dogs live -- in the moment. All of this emotional baggage that weighs me down is not a part of their lives. Lola doesn't have what if moments over her bum leg - she just runs as fast and as hard as she can and every week she makes progress in her recovery. Thirteen year old Frankie just keeps plugging along without thoughts about getting old.
I tend to write mainly about the dogs, but the cats are working their way into all of this as well.
I had hoped this post would work it's way around into something useful for folks, but I fear it is just my own personal stuff.
Peace.
14 comments:
I'm glad your dogs comfort you. They love you, I know.
All I can say is I am sorry. I still take medication for depression and know a little bit about how you are feeling. Email me if that would help.
Well, what if I said this so called lack of grand ambition is not as negative or nondescript as you imply?
I see a very important pattern here.
Your life is a series of plateaus and chasms. You hang out on a plateau a spell, then leap to the next one. So, what is it you need to get out of this time? I am not sure "movement to get out," is necessarily a bad thing for you.
I keep thinking how you, worship-wise, are kind of trapped in your diocese, in the situation it is in. I keep thinking about how you exercised your diaconal ministry to the max at Lee Davenport's cyber-funeral. We have talked about that event with a sense of awe many times.
There is a place you were meant to be, that brings others into the world, and satisfies you for doing it. You have had some pleasant days in your wooded home. But I am wondering if there is a new place for you to go that brings you further enlightenment and fulfillment, and between the job, and the health issues, and the diocese you are in, maybe this ain't it anymore and it is time for you to make a new leap, enjoy the view in another place, and bring us into it, too. Alpha dogs find food for the pack. Perhaps you are hungry. No answer needed, just think on that one. What is It you need to get away from this time?
Thanks for the kind words, Jan.
Ah, Maria, but you have hit the nail on the head. There are no more places to leap to - that is the issue completely. The combination of a stalled housing market, personal debt, limited job options, etc.
However, I have no doubt that this is compounded by health and brain chemistry.
The key is probably in the lyrics of the Peggy Lee song - the part I haven't gotten to yet - Is That All There Is? Well, then let's drink and dance...I have to get to a place where I can "dance."
That isn't necessarily a new physical place but rather a new emotional place (well, physically getting past this wretched season will help).
Friends like you most definitely keep me seeking and trying and getting up in the morning. Also for all it's issues my job really is a good one. It could pay better and I could carry the pager less but all in all, it would be hard to replicate elsewhere.
Peace 'n hugs.
There is always a place.
The universe is an infinite place, ya know.
My mental image of all this is you, standing on your present plateau, the grass worn slick from it being danced out, but there is fog and haze all around. You would jump to the next one, but you can't see how far and in which direction, and you are not interested in falling into the yawning chasm (after all, who would feed the dogs?)
But I pray the fog and haze will lift, and then we will all start cheering for you to run and jump, and watch the happy dance on the other side!
Thinking of you and identifying with you.
Hey, buddy. Sorry to put it this way, but you have a duty to your friends (pets). You can't let them down!
Your writing is painfully beautiful. Almost every afternoon, I say "sleepy time" and my two babies, Grace and George run toward the bed. Of course, George always has to go back and get one of his babies (stuffed animal)and we curl up as a family and rest,comfort and revitalize each other. Know that you are loved. Jer...
Thanks for the continued comments and support. I am feeling a bit better these days despite the heat and humidity.
In a spot of your blog, you have a quote from Moonstruck, regarding the "old man" and his dogs. I too take an anti depressive medication, but I'm sure it isn't as strong as what you take. However, I too have my "curl up with my iPod and CPAP with a hand on the dog" days. I did have something you don't seem to have. That was the joy of driving young people to their schools. If I were to drive up to your place now, I might be tempted, as in another quote from Moonstruck, to smack you a couple of times and say, "Snap out of it!" I am able to siphon energy from my young people, and when I come to visit, I adore your woods, and yes, I snooze a lot up there. It is a special place where over a weekend, I can heal somewhat. You are loved, by your parents, your siblings, and by members of your extended family. Maybe its time to get "That goat."
I have too many thoughts after reading this and find it best to keep them to myself. I think we all experience this. With all I have accomplished in my life, there have been times when I feel like my life has meant little. But I am able to look to my birth children and "adopted" child, to my incredible grandchildren - biological, "adopted", and through marriage and say to myself "You did just fine." I'm able to think of all the students caring for patients that I taught. I'm able to look out at my yard and watch my rescued Airedale thrive. As a Mom, reading this blog pained me and you have to know one part upset and saddened me. I'm thinking about the posting you deleted and wonder.
First off, the deleted comment was more of that asian spam that has infested the blogosphere. I may have to initiate the password thing again to see if that prevents that from coming through.
This is a post about my struggles with my own mental illness for which I take medication. One doesn't simply "snap out of it" which is the point of the comment that upset my mother, regarding my brother. (I would add that those were his very words in an e-mail to me months ago over a different blog post).
However, his words have very little to do with my brain chemistry being out of balance. They simply served to make a point - which my father's comments reinforced.
Depressed people should just get over it. Give 'em a good whack in the head and that will set them right. Point out all the wonderful things in their life and tell them they're not being rational.
Except that all that accomplishes is to make one feel more crazy than we already do.
When I went on an anti-depression medication, my primary care physician told me, "The med can only go so far with the brain's chemistry. The rest is up to you and what you do." For me, the young people that have been in my life have helped provide that "something." You have to find that "something" and be sure it's there in your life. All I can really give you is my love. - PoP
I know what you mean about the animals. Hang in there, Larry. I'm pulling for you.
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